sumi 'Ndrjpth

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Sometimes you just have so much in mind, nth beats pening it down.. Several factors are on my mind at this present point in time.. Alot to do w what im really looking for and working towards, in myself.. What i expect from myself and how far ive come along in achieving it.. Abit of query & doubt here and there. To be able to pull myself together every now & again, to remind myself to think straight & not irrationally. Tough, i must admit.. Especially for an individual such as myself.. Sometimes i wonder whether im what i always appear to be.. Theres another side to me.. A deeper side, a softer side. A smarter side.. The side i seldom tend to potray. Id like to work towards becoming a better person & to be able to potray it the way ive always wanted to.



My heart yearns,
kills me..it burns,
its a must to learn..
life's like curd.

Today, ive lost myself,
wanting to walk into another realm..
put it all behind me,
leave the fake.





Sumita Nadarajapathi

With every new beginning,
we leave a forgotten past.
Past, we tried to make last.
Then again, its never perfect.
You tend to wonder what you lack..
Only to realise its a stab to the back.
Here comes an outlet,
For better or for worse..
perhaps a curse?
Lets discover..
not necessarily sober.


Love,
Sumita.

As individuals, we all have many faces. If you were to take a step back and analyze yourself, you'd realise you change as and when needed. For example, when w a certain crowd, we tend to naturally behave in a certain manner & naturally switch when there's a need to. This simply confirms the notion tht we're made to adapt to different situations and conditions. Personally, i strongly believe in the saying that every coin has two sides. And if you were to pay close attention, you'd eventually realise that the one side that we choose to surface would be the stronger side. The more emotional side of an individual is often showcased less, in comparison to our strength. * Taken from an article * Its amazing though, the amount of strength the human body possesss. For example, there are crucial moments where we hear stories of mothers w the sudden ablilty to lift vans to save their children. These stories dont suggest miracles, let alone adreline rushes. It reminds us all, that we all have it in us. The strength . Be it physical, or mental .We all possess survival instincts.. So this post is to remind us all, that we all have the strength to do what we need to do for ourselves. For our benefit. We have the power to strive and work towards acheiving whatever it is we want. We've done it for thousands of years, its the survival of the fittest. Never let simple falls stifle you're growth or lead you astray. Remind yourself you are who you choose to be.


Sumita Nadarajapathi

Love. Its when someone else's happiness suddenly matters. When you're suddenly ever ready to put up w whats thrown at you. Where nothing else seems to matter. Mistakes are made over and over again.. We're hurt time and time again.. But that doesnt mean the love isnt for real, it only means tht its real.The fact that you're stil ard and stil are willing to give up anything and everything simply means its real. However, in life.. things dont always go according to plan.. What matters is there comes a point, where you realise that it isnt only you're happiness that matters.What seems to matter is the other party's happiness. Then and only then can you be certain the love is for real. Love hurts and it almst never goes according to plan .But thats what makes it different from any other emotion.. Its unpredictable, its almst impossible to explain.. When, why, how, where.. Four letters that can make or break a person's life if given the upper hand.. Seldom do i listen to quotes, but here's one.. " if you really love someone, learn to let go.. and if they do come back, then its meant to be.. For if it were real, it'd make a difference. .To you both " . How true..  Nobody's ever able to read completely into another individual.. Thats why we take a leap of faith time and time again.. Hopefully our risks pay off. My day will come, lets just hope the risks i'm about to take, pay off.

 

Everyone has a breaking point. What makes us all individuals, is the extent to which we allow ourselves to be pushed. Our individual endurance level is constantly put to the test throughout life. Its how we choose to handle ourselves that matters. We're often pushed to compromise and make sacrifices, sometimes for a good cause and most of the time at our expense. Then, over time .. we reach our breaking point. A point at which we decide, we've taken more than enough. After which, nothing seems to matter where that matter is concerned. For some reason, you feel numbed.. Numb to the anything that takes place, for you feel you've given it you're best and you've reached you're breaking point.

A point of realisation. Its not always about what the other party wants, its about what you want. What makes you happy. What matters to you, sometimes.. you're obliged to choose yourself over others.


Sumita Nadarajapathi

For every action there's a reaction. What helps us to draw a line between intelligence & plain stupidity is the ablilty to simply differenciate between right and wrong. Of course not in the literal sense, but in this case.. to be able to think abt the reactions that the actions you carry out would bring about.

Regret. Thats the pain you feel as you're heart throbs, constantly reminding you of what you've done wrong. You're conscience that never fails to remind you that, the feeling is the reason why you'd never commit the same mistake again. We often ponder about how life would be if we could turn back time, me in particular to be exact. Unfortunately, the only logical way to medicate a wound would be to make up for it and be regretful about it. But what happens when you reach a point where you're told, you're at the point beyond return. And you've used up all ure life lines. Everything you've ever hoped/wished for takes a turn for the worse. All is lost, along with urself. You find yourself constantly putting up a show, to lead others off you're scent. What do you do ? leave ? , after everything ?



Sumita Nadarajapathi.

what does love mean to you? can it be defined? We all know there're categories, love for family, love for friends, love for the country.. but can it be defined? How do you know when its for real? How do you differentiate between love for real and the feeling that you feel ?
Does age and maturity have anything to do with the definition of love?

I have none of the answers to any of these questions. These are questions of mine that i hope will be answered someday.

Till then, where my definition is concerned..

Constantly looking for an outlet to escape reality. To keep myself constantly occupied to escape the truth, to ensure it doesnt sink in. Cause it sinking in would result in a breakdown i know im not ready to handle, let alone be able to pick myself up from . Life works in the oddest possible ways, the way things fall into place and dont. The way we behave and react in different situations. Focus on "happy thoughts" is what we're told to do ever so often, but what happens when you've got no where left to run, and you have no choice but to stare the sad facts of life right in the face. Its one of the toughest challenges one would have to face in life, and it'll come over and over again at different stages of our lives. These reality checks, scare us.. But wht we fail to realise is that if they weren't present, there'd be practically nothing to reflect on or to keep us in line. The thought of the unknown scares me. Im not ready to give up my comfort zone and move along. Nothing feels safer than what im used to, but im left without a choice. Life's not always kind, and like i mentioned in the last post, i brought it onto myself. The words keep ringing in my head, and stings everytime i replay them in mind. Distracting myself is easy, but it never accomplishes anything more than numbing the pain for abit.



Fear of the unknown,
Fear of being left alone.
He walks on,
With the wind my dreams are gone,
then again i did him wrong.
Yet i still long..



Always be a part of me.


Sumita Nadarajapathi,




 

Ever heard of the saying all good things come to an end?

How far is that saying true? .. i'd go with, it'll last for as long as you want it to. Its always in YOUR control. In my case, i had a chance.. many chances to be exact. To salvage what i claimed meant the WORLD to me . But being me, i did an excellent job at screwing it up ( bluntly put) for myself.

Maybe im not the only one to be blamed. Takes two hands to clap, as they always say. Then again, no doubt major part had to come from me. Its tough now, to know that ive lost out. For good, to be exact. Its a miserable feeling actually. Feels like you've failed completely and driven away what you could have had if you knew what to do when. It hurts too, very much. But ive got only myself to blame. This is one of the moments whr i wish time machines were effective and prominent in our time. Would have made life alot simpler, dont you agree? Oh well, everythin happens for a reason. This is DEFINATELY going to take a relatively long healing period, but ive got no choice. Theres nothing i can do that'll reverse what ive caused & lost.


Hurt, me. In need of closure.


Sumita Nadarajapathi

Sometimes, its only a matter of time. A matter of time before the sins you commit catch up w you. As much as you cover you're tracks, we people always fail to realise the truth eventually does surface. Its only a matter of time.. Even being informed & aware of such, we continue to do wrong. To do whats not right, and move on to pay for it at a later point in time. Question is, was it worth it? For every action there is most definately a reaction. Sometimes, its reactions we're aware of & dread, but somehow, the fear's never enough for us to stop ourselves. Myself at least.
 

Looking back, ive got only myself to blame.Denial. Its like a blackhole, tts held me captive for so long. Breaking free from its hold seems practically impossible. And it sucks because i brought it onto myself, theres no person or thing i can blame in this instance. So many things to reflect on and so many things left broken to amend. To pick up whatever good's left of me & ensure its mulitiplied. To stop having one rule for myself & one rule for others, to take &  receive only wht i know i deserve. To put an end to my pain by doing whats right. By working hard to ensure i get to where i want to be. As easy as it may all sound, difficult would be an understatement.

In time, it'll be ok. I know it will be.. cause as much as ive screwed up, theres always been a part of me tts tried. So thats all that matters, just that this time round.. Its a do or die situation.




Sumita Nadarajapathi

Beginning of week had been an eventful one(: had alot of fun this week, however the past two days has been on the down side.. im going to blame it on the movie i watched w my sister last night.. bet that hit the nail on the head & triggered off emotions, sentiments & all. "Provoked"- starring aishwarya & naveen andrews..  A touching movie indeed. About how a punjabi woman from india, moves to america to live w her husband ( arranged marriage ).. He starts to abuse her.. and it amounts over the years.. finally resorting in her burning him after a good ten years of torture & tourment.. she's sentenced to jail for manslaughter.. and... i would LOVE to elaborate, bt then again that would only mean you wuldnt have to watch the movie, no? (:

So besides that, the past two days has been heavy on the heart for some odd reason..but you know what they say.. depression is nothing but a mere state of mind.. ought to get it out of my head & start preoccupying myself w something else.. Family dinner perhaps.. in the mood for some catching up w the family.. (:

*Sumita ndrjpth

Decision - making. A very tedious, not to mention energy draining process indeed. Many a time, we find ourselves stuck in situations where we're forced to make decisions. To decide, to choose, to pick something over something else. What happens when all the factors/ options presented to you stand on an equal priority level ? How do you decide then?

Decisions made on impulse, almost ALWAYS end up being the wrong ones.Even worst if the decisions are those that cant be reversed. Take a step back to rethink the consequences and the reactions that might result in the step that you've taken. Time, you always have time. Never are you put on a spot, or even obliged to anwer for that matter. Sometimes life being as unkind as it may be, doesnt give you time. Even so, its very impt to think through carefully before running your mouth. Some make hasty decisions, due to peer pressure, fit of rage, for the sake of making a stand. When you decide on something, its only right you dnt turn back, whatever the outcome. To stand strong and face the resulting reactions due to ure stand. Only then is ure decision, the right one.. For you've stuck to what you said you'd do, or believe in.

sumita nadarajapathi.

 

She's chained.
Holding back, for shes afraid.
Afraid of the unknown.
Afraid of being alone.
It continues,
into the night,
through the light,
she shines so bright,
yet she holds back.
cause she knws shes really a wreck.
she wonders what she lacks.
perhaps shes just a book on a rack?
she knows what step to take.
but she knows she'll break.
her tourmented heart refuses to listen,
it pretends to be resistant.
To tell right from wrong,
to emerge strong,
and stil salvage this bond.
She'll walk, into the light.
where its bright..



Sumita nadarajapathi.
 

      


Many of us have parents who try very hard to set good examples in order for us to follow suit. Often advising us and teaching us to differentiate the right from wrong. But as adults, they too are entitled to make mistakes. Some bigger than the rest.Some in the past, some in the present, some in the future. But as kids, how are we suppose to react to the mistakes they've made? It depends on the seriousness of the mistake i presume & the amount you're willing to give in. Many of these skeletons in the closet may come as shocker or even change the way we've lived our lives so far. As parents, they have a duty towards us. To ensure we're provided w a conducive environment to grow up in and provide us w the necessary support we all need from time to time. Our parents learn as they grow w us. The fact that we spend almost our entire childhood ( some of us ) w them, and considering the fact that childhood is one of the most vital periods of time in our lives as thats where we're nurtured into becoming who we are intended to be, i believe its crucial for our parents to be able to instill in us the principles & values we all need to grow up to become a better individual. They often get caught up w their own worlds and tend to escape reality by getting themselves bogged down w something else, resulting in them escaping responsibilities they have taken on. So how far is it true when they say we'd end up somewhat like our parents? in my opinion, i believe we are who we are. It is true that the apple doesnt fall too far from its tree, but at the same time we all possess the ability to be different and ourselves. Indeed characteristic traits would be prominent and we'd tend to behave like them in some way or another. But the trick here is to be able to pick up the good & abandon the bad. To be able to only pick up whats necessary, to learn from the mistakes they've made and prevent ourselves from making the same ones. To use them as a guideline as to what we should or shouldnt do. We are what we make of ourselves and we have no one to blame for our mistakes, for it is we who determine our own future.

Sumi' ndrjpth

     " Our stories begin before their beginnings and continue beyond their ends.'



The way she moves,                                                             
almost aloof.
The path she takes,
the mistakes she makes.      
she sits by the lake,
only to realise,
theres more mesmorized.
it was only a matter of time,
before she drew a line.
To protect and shield her.
never to allow herself to be reeled in.
Then she spots from afar,
a window left slightly ajar.
should she walk towards it ?
the light she'll follow to reach.

Sumi ' Ndrjpth

   
 

Life's gonna get complex as you
move on . What makes you different
from the rest , is how you handle
it. Be it forgiving , giving in ,
making a stand and sticking by it.
Foundation is trust. A challenge
full of hurdles and joys.
Making a decision requires great
thought , once made , never look
back . If there's a problem , try
fixing it , learn from it and move
on. Self confidence is the key to
success.You're never obliged to
explain yourself. You are who you
choose to be. Windows of
opportunity's always open.
Choice, there's always a choice .
People give opinions , you make
calls. Be devient. Be elite. Be yourself.


Sumi ' ndrjpth

Ever wondered how you actually got here? The ancestral line who have fought against all odds just to ensure their bloodline continues to live on & be passed down centuries later. How we continue to evolve w time, and how culture & tradition evolves w every generation. Well, this book im reading currently, pricked my conscience about the whole thing,  initiating a background check which ive successfully completed. What you realise as you go on to find out about ure ancestral past is how strong you really are. How much of courage & enthusiasm, will & strength you have built in in you. Whatever they have been able to accomplish, the leaps of faith they've taken give you a sense of realisation. The fact that ure here, reading this simply shows the decisions they've made throughout their lifetime have been the right ones. The fact that my maternal grandfather escaped the hindu-pakistan war, the fact that my paternal great- grandfather fled his village w only a bag of clothes in hand, in search of a new environment, a change of scene. The simple steps, esp the vital decisions they've made have eventually paid off. It is normal in human nature, for one to ensure their genes, bloodline is passed down .To pro-create and ensure survival. The unfit, die off and as they say, it becomes the survival of the fittest. So reality check, ure only here because you're the fittest, who've evolved and survived several generations. Next time ure down and are suffering from a low self- esteem moment, remind urself of how strong you really are & how much will power you must have in you for you to have made it this far. Make the best out of you're life, for we're only given one chance to live & when the time comes, it'l be you're turn to pass on the baton. To ensure your blood line lives on for several decades to come.

Sumi' Ndrjpth  


PS : my mum and i still havent made any form of verbal communication.


 

 


Over the weekend, i went to malaysia, KL to be exact. Just for a night, w the family. Unfortunately the supposed bonding session to be, turned out disastrous. Yes, i got into a tiff w my mum, resulting in no verbal conversation for an estimated 24 hrs (:  That being besides the point, i managed to squeeze in some time this morning to pop by MPH ( bookstore ) , and fish through couple of bks. And of course, being me, i landed up purchasing this book.  " The Death Of Mr Love " - Indra Sinha. Ive just started, but its beautiful. Its about this mother, leaving her son & the rest of her family a trunk of letters and a mystery to solve. Simply captivating & the description is to die for.Which finally brings me to the tittle of this particular entry, this book got me thinking about my ancestors & the family line. Alot to write on, but im not in the mood, THUS , i shall continue after gym tmr morning(:

NIGHT !

-Sumi' ndrjpth

             Decisions we make.



Sometimes, to obtain what we want, it takes a hell lot more than just effort alone. It may involve pple we love, not to mention family. So you're stuck in a situation, where you'd have to choose btwn doing something for the sake of the family or for yourself. Of course family's priority, most important actually. But is that it ? Just cause it stands at a higher position in our priority lists, we give in ?  many pple have different views.In my point of view, i believe if the situation you're in involves harming the family's name or image, then that is definately not a factor to be compromised on. However on the other hand, if you're simply going out of the way to do something you feel is right & you know its right, why not ? No two families are alike, we all have skeletons in our closets, but how they affect & take a toll on us, more over, how we handle them, is a different thing altogether.

 

Food for thought.